Mother's Day

Mother's Day is, without doubt, the hardest, most stressful, emotional, depressing, and most dreaded holiday of each and every year for me. It brings up feelings that I try all year to bury. Unfortunately for me, these feelings start in early April and it usually takes me a few days or weeks to figure out what my heart and mind are struggling to deal with. Then, without warning, in some safe place, it hits me that my most dreaded and feared holiday is coming, regardless of whether I want it to or not.

Most know that I was adopted at six weeks old. I was blessed with a wonderful, supportive family who has done nothing but stand beside me, build me up, and help me when I have fallen. My Mom is one of my best friends and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her and feeled truly blessed to have her in my life.

My birthmother is....just that. A woman who gave birth to me. For years I have struggled with this, even after finding and having the chance to reunite with her. For her, it was a dream come true. For me, it has been a very different path. A path that I didn't think I could or would ever take. A path that opened up feelings and I didn't want to have to ever deal with. A path of mass confusion. A path that, at times, seems to push me backwards instead of flinging me forward.

And, while my birthmother is just "that"....there is also something more I feel for her. However, even as I approach middle age, I still can't figure out her place in my life. I struggle, almost daily, to try and find the empty space she fits in my uncompleted puzzle sitting on my table...the table I pass by often. I have great love for her but it's a love I've never felt before. It's a feeling that I haven't quite figured out where it belongs.

First, please know that I will be forever grateful for the hard and painful decision my birthmother made to give me up to be raised by a true, loving family. In no way have I ever wanted to hurt her or exploit her. She did the best she could with what she had . I know that and I am blessed beyond measure. I also know the pain she was in day by day, year by year, and possibly every second. I know that for her, life has never been easy. I know that.

Mother's Day comes every single year. Growing up, I used to wonder if my birthmom was thinking, worrying, caring about me at all on that day. I used to feel her pain, even before I ever knew her, and felt guilty that I was honoring someone else on Mother's Day. It was such a wierd feeling for me, knowing that I should in no way feel guilty for something I had no control over. But, in all reality, I was feeling that pain inside and it was eating at me ever so slowly. This pain caused me to cry, act out, and become horribly depressed. However, it was a pain that I have hidden so deep inside that I have never been able to share it with anyone.

After finding my birthmother, the pain was still there but it took on another role. The pain then threw itself towards my half brothers. It was horrible guilt for having a wonderful, filled life with a very normal, loving, and caring family. My half brothers, on the other hand, didn't lead such a privelged life. Their life was filled with numerous houses and towns, people coming and going, financial uncertainties, and the list could go on and on....


I am now working on not carrying that guilt that we all know is in no way my fault. I am sure that there will always be a part of me that will carry some feelings of guilt and regret but it is something that is way beyond my control, as much as I try to control it. It is something that I have to hand to a higher power, something that I have to try and understand, something that I have to accept for what it is and go on. It is a part of me and no matter how hard I try to convince myself that it isn't, it will forever be.....


Today I want to honor my Mom. I could write for weeks about the things she is, about the people that look up to her, about the people she has touched, about the children she has taught, about the values she has passed on, about the traditions she has started for her family, etc. etc. etc.

I could go on to eternity about her. If you named one thing that a mother should be, I can guarantee that my mother has already been it. She is amazing.


Never once have I told my Mom how Mother's Day has affected me. I didn't want her carrying that burden as all know a mother would. I didn't want this one special day to be taken away from her. I didn't want her to ever feel any sort of guilt for a day that was given to her. I never wanted her to see or feel my pain, especially on her day. I just never wanted her to know.


Now at 41 years old, I guess it's time to take charge and decide what and how I am going to feel.